Another good example of worst marketing practices: a guy named Andre Larabie has been spamming me for almost a year and is now sending “last chance” offers to receive an electronic version of his most recent book, “Business Turnaround Methods.” This is like the fifth last chance notice I’ve received over the past couple of months and I’m assuming it will not be the last. There are so many things wrong with this I don’t even know where to start.

Let’s start with this: who is Andre Larabie? How did he get my email address? And why does he keep sending me offers that are not relevant to my needs?

Second, if you want to play the “last chance” card, Andre, then please make it the last chance.

Third, if you offer an unsubscribe option then please take me off your spam list when I unsubscribe.

According to the book synopsis, it’s a 120-day turnaround program, including “insights and a proven method for restoring a failing company back to health, even if the company is not failing.” I have to think about this.

Out of curiosity I follow the link to Amazon and learn that the price for a hard copy version of this 262-page book is a whopping $43.83. It seems a little steep for a product that’s being given away free — especially for a company in financial trouble. Andre must be using Amazon to create a greater perception of value for his free book. If so, all he’s doing is increasing my level of skepticism and distrust. Who is this guy and what’s his game? I assume he’s blasting out emails by the thousands with the hope of finding a consulting gig in tough economic times. Any company that would hire a turnaround consultant from spammed email probably deserves to fail.

On further investigation, I learn that Andre Larabie is indeed a consultant and certified coach who has previously owned two collection agencies and a factoring organization — none of which are apparently still in business. He holds a PhD and did his doctoral dissertation on, “The Psychological Ramifications of Online Education.”  I’m thinking he received his degree online.

All I can do is unsubscribe one more time.

Peppers and partner Martha Rogers had a great run with the one-to-one approach to marketing for more than 15 years, eventually selling the 1:1 magazine and consulting business to Carlson Marketing Group, which itself has since been sold. Don seems to have disappeared from the scene, though he’s still active on the speaking tour; in fact he’s got a gig coming up in the UK, where he spends a fair amount of time — he’ll be speaking at the Call Centre and Customer Management Expo on September 21.

Now that they’ve milked the one-to-one thing to near-death, preaching customer-centricity in a customer-centric world, I got to wondering how Don is keeping his content fresh in order to justify the $50,000 fee he likes to charge for speaking engagements. That brought me to an article published this week on mycustomer.com, a CRM group operating in the UK, including excerpts from a recent interview they did with him about his newly minted topic: “The critical misconception undermining customer service.”

Don cites results from a study done earlier this year by Convergys which reported that four of five customers believe that customer service standards have deteriorated over the past year, with many communicating their negative brand experiences to friends and family.

Here’s what’s happening according to the Don of marketing: organizations have long been living under the misconception that company value is created by offering differentiated products and services. Whereas the reality is that customers are far more connected to the issue of value creation for companies than products are.

“You can have all the patents and warehouses full of desirable products,” he says, “but the only way you can actually create value, is with a customer. Because if you don’t have a customer, it doesn’t matter how many products you have, you don’t have a business.”

Glad I didn’t pay fifty grand for that nugget of insight. I think old Don may be coasting a little on his one-to-one past.

I don’t know Brian and have never heard of Phenix Investigations until today, but I did find it a rather curious email. For starters, spring officially arrived about five months ago. And frankly, I can’t think of a worse idea at any time of the year than spying on my employees, especially in the current business environment.

My curiosity moves me to do a little investigating on my own.

I learn that the man behind the email is Brian Herbert, director of corporate investigations at Phenix. The company, located in Greenwood, IN, was founded by Brian Bauer, who grew up in a military family and spent most of his previous career in law enforcement.  According to the company website, Phenix is a leader in employee surveillance, helping companies nab those who are stealing materials or information, wasting time, claiming excessive overtime or moonlighting, abusing family leave of absence, making fraudulent workers comp claims, or spending too much time on the Internet or in the bathroom.

“You might have heard that employees are your most valuable asset,” Brian warns, “but you should also be aware they can be your biggest liability.” He points to research that shows employee theft is five times greater than consumer theft, and that one in three failed businesses can be directly attributed to employee theft.

My guess is there is considerable research on the other side showing that employees who work for bad companies, those with command-and-control management and cultures of distrust, are more likely to be unproductive and steal from their employers. Whereas employees who are valued as an asset rather than a potential liability — who are engaged, treated with respect, and made to feel they are part of a mission to serve the needs of their customers — are more likely to be loyal, productive and to advocate for their company.  They also are less likely to leave the first time another employment opportunity comes along.

In a customer-centric market where brands are shaped largely by experience, employees play a more crucial role in business success than ever before. Companies that feel they need to resort to surveillance might want to consider bringing in a management consulting firm instead. As for Phenix Investigations, they might want to hire a good marketing agency.

The key to sustaining this model is the continued reinvention of both the razor and the blade. As consumers, we know this. Yet, because of our need to always have the next new thing, we invariably get sucked into the razor and blade syndrome.

I know this because I just traded in a perfectly good mach 4 razor for a new mach 6 model with a AAA battery in the shaft designed to create a vibrating effect that supposedly gives me a closer, smoother shave for a better look. I need all the help I can get, so I am compelled to move up. I can’t wait to see what attachments they come up with. Anyway, I paid ten bucks for the vibrating razor and twenty bucks for a package of blades, which don’t seem to last much longer.  I’ve already had to replace the battery because I forgot to turn it off, so I’ve got all the consumables going.

Manufacturers used to give away the razor to get the blade business — cell phones to sell the minutes and then smart phones for the data. Then companies like Apple realized they could make way nicer razors and sell them for more, partnering up with another company that sells the blades and thus creating a coalition that gives both brand leverage.

I’ve taken on yet another blade dependency with the purchase of my new Apple iPad and corresponding data plan. Originally I signed up for the basic data plan of 250 MB each month for $15, which seemed adequate as I’m a moderate user. The other option was the unlimited data plan for $25. I soon found that I was woefully under capacity as I ran out of data about half way through my allotment period and my 3G access was cut off. I was told I must buy more data. So I went back to check out the unlimited data option and it’s gone. The most I can get is 2 GB per month. The razor companies have oversold the blade capacity and can’t keep up with demand, so it’s rationing. Data has become the new currency.

It’s being gobbled up in massive quantities by big wireless, Internet and media companies: what the geeks are calling Big Data. Google processes 24 petabytes of data each day — a petabyte being the new standard measure of data consumption, equal to one quadrillion bytes or 1,000 terabytes. AT&T, where I’m buying my iPad data, transfers 19 petabytes through its networks daily. Content is also consuming more data, like HD movies with heavy CGI or 3D effects. The movie Avatar took over a petabyte of local storage.

So how big does big data get? And where does it go from here?  Well, it’s exabytes, zettabytes and then yottabytes. That should get us all back to the unlimited plan.

Not knowing exactly what a credit adjustment is, I rip open the nondescript, official looking envelope to find that I have been included in a select group of individuals chosen for a special publisher’s offer on a three-year subscription to Motor Trend magazine — an offer not available to the general public.

The regular subscription price is $179.64, but with my special credit adjustment of $161.64, the price is only $6 per year. Wow.

Not only that but they’ll also throw in a free a multifunctional watch with my paid order. I would think a free watch would be more appropriate for a subscription to Time magazine, but nonetheless, it’s a pretty impressive deal. The only problem is I don’t have the least interest in cars or motor sports, which begs the question of why they’ve selected me for this offer, other than the fact I subscribe to a couple of other unrelated magazines.

It doesn’t seem to be a very targeted or cost-efficient direct mail campaign. With access to as much consumer data as there is available, one would think they’d be able to match those with a propensity to subscribe to magazines with those who have an interest in cars and motor sports.

The bigger issue is that they have very adeptly compromised any perceived value I might have had for Motor Trend magazine, as they’re about giving it away and attempting to bribe me with a free watch. This smacks of a desperation tactic and I can’t help wonder if they’ll even be around three years from now.

It’s another good example bad marketing — the kind of thing that gives direct mail a bad rap.

Recently I received an offer for a new personal productivity application called “RescueTime” that claims to help me better manage my time by tracking my everyday activities, at work and in my personal life, thus making me a more productive person.

I’m all for self-improvement but this seems a little invasive, like self-imposed Big Brotherhood, looking over my shoulder at everything I’m doing.

For example, if I’m sitting at my computer and my mouse doesn’t move for more than two minutes a window pops up asking what I’m doing and directing me to check one of several options to explain my little downtime — in a meeting, on phone call, doing offline work or off to a bathroom break. It also monitors what computer programs I’m using and which websites I’ve visited.

At the end of each week I get an email with a productivity report including a detailed summary of my daily activities, with nice charts and graphs and all.

According to the company, also called RescueTime, it’s a web-based time management tool that doesn’t require data entry. All we have to do is install a “doohickey” (I hate it when they use technical terms) and the application tracks my computer. I can even assign a point value to different activities if I want.

Company co-founder Tony Wright, who according to his bio spends “a mess of time speaking about productivity,” refers to it as “the time management equivalent of a cholesterol test; we can tell you you’re not quite healthy but we can’t do anything to help you.”

Well if it can’t help manage my time and can only tell me when I’m wasting it, it’s not really a time management tool is it Tony? And in spite of its name the tool can’t really rescue the time I am wasting. Having invested the time to review their short demo (five minutes) I conclude it’s not a particularly useful application; in fact, it’s the last thing I want in my life. I’ve got better things to spend my money on.

Oh, it’s free. Well, I’m thinking that once installed on my computer I’d happily pay to have it removed. As ineffective as I may be, I’ll keep track of my own time thank you.

BTW — it took me 45 minutes to research and write this blog.

The case in point would be the direct mail I keep getting trying to sell me the company’s Google Apps Premier Edition, which provides low-cost messaging and collaboration tools, including email, voice and video chat. Most recently I received a mass mail form letter from Matt Glotzbach, Director of Global Products, Google Enterprise, telling me about the power of business-class email and the money I can save with their hosted services. Included is a savings calculator wheel that is randomly stuck to the back of the letter with booger glue. I have no problem with the calculator tool, in fact it’s pretty cool that I can select the number of employees in my company, from 10 to 2,500, and view the annual savings I can expect to realize. One would think that were the data available they should already know how many employees I have and could just tell me up front what the savings might be — it’s a far more effective way to capture my attention than Matt telling me traditional email and collaboration tools can be costly to set up and maintain.

It’s interesting that Google would be using direct mail to market its email services, but good for them as they’re demonstrating responsible use of the media they are promoting. Blasting out spam would be far more intrusive and even less effective, at least for me. But let’s at least try to do a decent job of it, guys.

I have no problem with the offer of a 30-day free trial, but the engagement strategy is incredibly weak and the creative… well there is no attempt to be creative or innovative. The mail piece itself plain vanilla and poorly done — representative of the 98 percent of mass mail solicitation that doesn’t work. Maybe they figure the power of the colorful logo atop the letterhead is enough, but to me it says they really don’t care and are just mailing it in. For an innovative company like Google I would expect a better effort, even if this app is outside (and no doubt beneath) their domain.

I don’t know about you, but I’m finding it very interesting to watch what appears to be a desperation move (or is it a Kamikaze mission?) by Domino’s Pizza, as the company has launched an aggressive mea culpa campaign using traditional advertising and social media, including a high visibility video on YouTube, in an attempt to resuscitate its dying brand. The campaign is essentially an admission that their pizza sucks — at least in the minds of customers. Domino’s has listened and is responding with a complete overhaul of the product.

Domino’s president Patrick Doyle speaks to us from his corporate headquarters in Ann Arbor about how painful it was to hear focus group participants describe how bad his pizza is; the crust tastes like cardboard, the sauce like ketchup, the cheese tasteless and processed. The average frozen pizza is far superior. A vocal leader in the focus group sessions, a woman named Adrian, proclaims it to be the worst excuse for pizza she’s ever seen. Ouch. That’s not a wound, it’s a head shot.

Doyle and his band of pizza chefs tell us how painful this all was to hear, but claim that they’re taking the criticism to heart and working day and night to come up with a whole new recipe with better ingredients, as the camera zooms in on a beauty shot of their new and improved pizza creation. The new product looks pretty good on video, but I have serious doubts they can deliver on this promise across thousands of retail outlets.

For me the real issue is not whether the pizza is better, but whether the brand can be revived or the social media campaign will have a reverse effect and put a fork in it forever.  Based on the initial tweets I’m reading it may likely be the latter. We’ll stay tuned as the pizza chefs go knocking on Adrian’s door to see what she thinks, if indeed it matters to anyone. I can’t help but think this all seems a little contrived.

All we need to do is replace all our existing toilets with the WOW Toilet.

It’s a universal retrofitted transparent toilet tank engineered with a space in the front to insert an advertising image or poster that is clearly displayed to users who have nothing else to look at. With more than 1.2 billion toilets in the U.S., this represents a massive new opportunity just waiting to be exploited as every one of them can be transformed into a billboard, turning otherwise wasted space into ad revenue and offering advertisers millions of potential impressions… or is it exposures?

According to the WOW Toilet people, this is “one of the most effective new guerilla marketing tools available”; a truly unique and effective ad medium for bars, nightclubs, restaurants, theaters, schools and hotels, all of which can rent out their toilet space to generate ongoing revenue streams. As an example, they point out that there are 150,000 hotel toilets in Vegas alone, none of which are currently generating any revenue at all. What a neat brand-building opportunity.

The WOW Toilet retro kit sells for only $89. It’s easy to install and comes with an optional lock, so people won’t be stealing the advertising inserts.

What next, you ask? Well, the WOW Toilet people have another product offering coming soon, a transparent toilet seat — not sure what the point of that is but it sure seems like an accident waiting to happen.

Oh well, all I can say is, wow.

And now, in the category of worst practices for online direct marketing, the winner is: the Survival Seed Bank.

This seems like something right out of the back of a catalog mail order advertisement for bomb shelters back in the 1950s. In this case it’s targeted at a growing population of survivalists who believe the end is near, and the first thing to go will be our food supply.

The worst part is it appears to be working, which validates the premise of marketing best practices — that emotion drives response more effectively than rational consideration, with the two most powerful emotions being fear and greed (both of which come into play in this campaign).

The product is the Survival Seed Bank, a sturdy container that can be safely buried underground for up to 20 years, keeping your survival seeds secure and ready to plant when needed — and it is strongly suggested we’ll be needing our seeds sooner rather than later however.

“As the meltdown progresses,” the ad copy reads, “one of the first things to be affected will be our nation’s food supply, so we should expect soaring prices and moderate to severe shortages as early as this spring. If you don’t have the ability to grow your own food next year, your life could be in danger.”

We are advised to take control of our own food supply immediately, and that means having enough non-hybrid seeds to plant an acre or two. “It could mean the difference between life and death.”

Those who do not have an acre or two, or who can’t get their seeds in this spring, are advised to buy the survival seeds anyway and bury them in the special vacuum-packed container (the bank), to protect from theft, pillaging or confiscation, as “they will be more valuable than silver or gold when the meltdown comes.”

I’m starting to feel a little anxious and it occurs to me I may want to have a gun on hand to protect my survival seeds, just in case.

Then we come to the close: “The seed bank, which normally sells for $297 is now only $149, while supplies last.” Ah yes, the urgency; “there are only a handful left.” And of course the social networking and affiliate opportunities. In the latter we are encouraged to sign up to be an official survival seed bank affiliate, so we can put their banner ad on our website or blog and “start making cash now.” But why would I do that if there’s only a handful left?

Based on the number of results from a quick Google search there appear to be a lot of affiliates out there looking to make a profit on our impending doom.

It makes one proud to be a direct marketer.